Taking stock.

Dirty Business #1 frre charts.jpg

Writer’s diary: 20.11.2016

Last Monday (14.11.2016) Dirty Business (The First Acer Sansom Novel) was included in a Bookbub promotion. The emailshot let subscribers to Bookbub know that the book was free to download everywhere. Would my decision to splash out $109 with Bookbub repay my investment?

On the Monday DB was downloaded 9293 times. That sent it to #1 in the Amazon free charts. Since then to now, Sunday morning, it’s been downloaded a further 6000 times. It’s currently occupying the #13 slot in the free charts. I expect it will continue to be downloaded all the time it has that kind of visibility.

Regarding getting DB downloaded onto readers’ kindles I call that job done. Of course, the reason behind advertising the book was to get it read and then to get some of those readers interested enough to go on and try the next and the next and the next in the series. Early days for a comprehensive view of all that, I think, but each of the subsequent titles in the series has leapt thousands of places in the Amazon chart. Loose Ends (Acer #2) was languishing in the 20,000s before the promotion. This morning it’s at #1665 in the overall Amazon charts. Smoke and Mirrors (Acer#3) and Deep State (Acer#4) are, at the time of writing, both in the top 5000 for all books. That’s good.

In actual sales terms there’s nothing that leads me to believe I might be able to visit the Range Rover showroom anytime soon with a view to making THAT purchase. LE has been downloaded (and paid for) 160 times since Monday. To offer some insight into the potential for knock-on sales from a promotion, in the three weeks prior to Bookbub’s mailshot LE was downloaded 110 times. There are similar increases in sales for the other two books in the series. Good again.

Naturally, I hope that more of those 15000 readers who have so far downloaded DB for free will actually get around to reading it and then go on to download others in the series.

Bottom line, then. Does the $109 Bookbub invesment seem worth it. Absolutely, if you have other books in the same series available for readers to go on to.

Prose and promos.

Writer’s diary: Star date: 11.11.2016

dirty-business-final-largeI recently tried a Facebook ad campaign with Dirty Business. It cost £42 and ran for a week. It was the first time I’d tried a FB promotion. The book almost got into the Amazon Top 100 free books. There were other factors at play that would have influenced the chart position: the book had just become free, I was posting and Tweeting about it and so were online friends. Thanks, all.

The book is back into free fall down the charts now. At the time of writing it sits at #469, and that’s only a couple of days after the FB promotion finished.

I can’t say that I’ve noticed much in the way of knock-on sales for the rest of the series, which was the main reason for dropping the price of the book to free in the first place.

Would I consider a FB promotion again?  The FB stats indicated that over the 7 day ‘campaign’ period the promoted post, which advertised the book as a free download from all major e-book retailers, reached 4340 FB users. From those there were 170 post engagements, whatever that signifies. Not a great return, so I don’t think I’ll do it again anytime soon.

On Monday Dirty Business is being included in a Bookbub mailshot. Bookbub are THE book promoters. They have a huge mailing list. It cost me $109 to get it listed with them, which doesn’t include the US market. I could have gone for that but Acer doesn’t seem to go down well across the pond and the cost of the ad would have been far higher, and Bookbub might have rejected my application if I’d ticked the box to include the US mailshot, and then it wouldn’t even have been going out anywhere. I just have to hope that Bookbubbers love a freebie as much as I do.

The last and only other time I ran a Bookbub promo was for Rope Enough (Romney and Marsh File #1). That did really well and there was significant knock-on for the R&M Files. Fingers crossed that Bookbub can do something similar for Acer.

cold-kills-mediumAt the end of last week I sent Cold Kills off to my proofreading friend. I’m happy with it. I got some good advice from a good mate that I tried to implement. One part of that advice that will stand me in good stead with all my writing is to always consider whether blocks of writing can be expressed through character dialogue instead of chunks of text. It does work a lot better, and speaking as as a reader I much prefer reading dialogue than blocks of text. I find them a bit of a turn off. The book is better for the adjustments. And five thousand words longer, even though part of my reason for working on it was to pare down the prose to make it more concise and punchier. I did do that, of course, but a few other things sprouted hitherto unrealised potential for exploring. That’s one of the good things about leaving a project in a ‘drawer’ for six months. Fresh perspective.

I adopted some other online writing advice I came across while editing: get rid of superfluous words.  It was suggested that the words: suddenly, obviously, clearly and the ‘f’ word can always be dropped without detriment to the writing. I ditched every single one of them and every sentence I pruned them from read better for it. I also have a couple of other words that are pet hates of mine, mainly because I tend to overuse them: just and that. I did a hatchet job on those, too. That just felt good. Damn! Felt good.

I’m heading back to the UK on Monday for a few weeks. Stuff unrelated to my writing life to deal with. Having finsihed with and sent off Cold Kills last weekend that gave me this week spare. B&C#3 is the next project on my list but I didn’t want to give it a week and then leave it for a few and then come back to it. I’m going to need to focus and concentrate on that book. So what I did was run with an idea I had for a short story – working title Femme Fatale. It ran and ran. I finished the first draft of about 20,000 words today. If nothing else it’s helped me get back in my writing routine after too long away from it. It’s also comforting, make that something of a relief, to know that I can still churn out a few thousand words a day when the mood takes me.

Cold Kills

cold-kills-mediumCold Kills is my next book out. I intend to list it for pre-order around the beginning of December for a Christmas Day release.

Cold Kills is not a Romney and Marsh File; it is not a Booker & Cash story, and it is not an Acer Sansom novel. It’s a departure from the stuff I usually write and it’s a one off i.e not the start of a new series.

Cold Kills is a snowy survival story. It’s an idea that grabbed me earlier this year. It’s  about 200 pages in paperback terms. I came back to it last week after 6 months away from it. The break was really useful. I’ve been working on it most days since and I’ll be tinkering with it for a while yet.

If I found myself sharing an elevator with Ridley Scott and he asked me to pitch Cold Kills  to him in one floor I’d say: The humour of The Martian. The haunting of The Grey. The horrors of The Silence of the Lambs. (And then go back to cleaning his boots with my tongue.)

Cold Kills is a story based in the real world. By that I mean it’s not fantasy or science fiction – no vampires, paranormal activity, aliens, or magic. I know it won’t appeal to all of my readers in the same way that each one of the three series I’ve written to date doesn’t appeal to everyone. It was never more true than for a writer that you can’t please all the people all the time. So why try? I won’t stop writing different stuff and I can only hope that readers won’t stop giving my different stuff a try. You never know, you might like it better than anything else of mine you’ve read.

For a while I considered putting Cold Kills out under a pseudonym because it’s not in my usual line of writing country. And then I got over myself. Like I’m that effing famous! Ha! I wish. I like this story a lot. I want my name on the cover.

And here’s the blurb I’ll be using to promote the book: When a plane crash lands in the Alaskan wilderness the survivors must battle harsh elements, hostile geography, a hungry wolf pack and horrifying moral dilemmas if they are to live to be rescued.

.

Getting pro-active with it.

Dirty Business Final (Large) Loose Ends Final (Large) Smoke and Mirrors 0602 (Medium) Deep State (Large)

Can Acer’s exploits, one day soon, enable me to live in the style to which I aspire? For more on this and other topics that hold little importance to anyone but me, read on…

Not much more than a week back ‘home’ after six months away and Dymchurch and DIY are already a distant memory.

As mentioned last week, I’ve been having a look at what I can do about flagging sales figures. Here’s what I’ve done?

  1. I dropped the price of Dirty Business (The First Acer Sansom Novel) from £1.99 to £0.99 to try to generate some interest. Four days later and no evidence, sales-wise, to suggest that had any effect other than a negative one – the title dropped a few thousand places in the Amazon sales ranking figures. Doh! But dropping the asking price was only intended to be a temporary stop gap. (See 2)
  2. I went through the rigmarole of of getting Dirty Business  listed as a free download on Smashwords, Apple ibooks, Barnes & Noble, Kobo and a few other e-book sites in the hope that Amazon might respond and price match and list it as a free download. (They do that sometimes.) Amazon did indeed respond to being made aware of competitors’ prices, and the notifications they received from my wonderfully supportive readers (thank you all very much) who answered my cry for help. The book is now FREE to download all over the world. Now I have to hope that Dirty Business will attract some downloads from readers who will not only read it but be encouraged to download others in the series.
  3. When I posted the news on my Facebook author page yesterday a link encouraged me to ‘Boost’ the post for a nominal fee for 7 days. Suck it and see, Granny Tidy used to say. Usually I ignore that option but this time I sucked it up. We will see what happens. (Not that I can see how any effect could be measured with any degree of reliability or validity – too many variables in play.)
  4. I submitted Rope Enough (The First Romney and Marsh File) to Bookbub for a promotion. Bookbub are THE e-book recommendation site. When they promoted Rope Enough before it was quickly placed highly in the Amazon top 100 free downloads. (Was it #1? I can’t honestly remember.) Anyway, Bookbub were charging over $500 for this service. Not cheap but the rewards in downloads of other books in the series are often worth it. The series received a decent spike in sales before. Bookbub declined to promote the book this time. Crap.
  5. Plan B: Submit Making a Killing (The Second Romney and Marsh File) to Bookbub. Because MAK would not have been free but only reduced in price in the promotion this campaign would cost me over $1000. Gulp. I went for it for those knock-on sales. Bookbub declined again. Double crap.

Bookbub are notoriously difficult to get promoted by. See their stock email response below:

Thanks for your submission. Unfortunately, our editorial team has not selected this book for a BookBub Featured Deal at this time.

Due to limited space in the email, we’re only able to feature about 20% of the books that get submitted to us. Our editors review all the submissions that meet our minimum guidelines for a certain category and price point, and select the books within that group that they believe will perform best with our members. Other books the editors reviewed were better fits for our readers’ current tastes.

I was pretty gutted by this. Making a Killing meets all their minimum requirements for promotion in spades, in fact the reviews and average rating of the book should have made it a certainty, I thought. Shows what I know. (Maybe one of them has read it.) All in all a right waste of time, as one of my ex-wives once remarked on our blessed union. I’m looking into other book promotion websites for the R&M Files.

Not done with Bookbub, as soon as Dirty Business went live for free I applied for a promotion for it. Third time lucky, perhaps. I’m waiting to hear.

I made another big decision this week. I’ve also mentioned here recently that I have a book written outside of my normal fare that I’ve touted to a few literary agents. They all rejected it. No surprise there and no tears. I was preparing to send it to a few more. And then I realised that the last agent took over four months to respond. And making a submission is such a process, darling. You know what? I can’t be bothered to wait that long again and again and again for more of the same. Life is too short. By the time every literary agent in the land has rejected it I could be dead… of old age, and then no one would get to read it and I don’t write books for them to be not read. I’m self-publishing it. It is called Cold Kills. I’ve ordered the cover from my guy this week. The book will be available for Christmas, which is rather appropriate. More on that next post. Lots more.

PS A loose end I’ve been meaning to tie up for some time: I posted here a while ago that I was reading American Psycho by Bret Easten Ellis and enjoying it. I was. I was about halfway through it at the time. And then I finished it. In the second half of the book the author changed up a couple of gruesome gears. The descriptions of the central protagonist’s brutal deeds became more explicit, more graphic and more depraved. I want to go on record as saying that in light of my overall reading experience I would not recommend this book. I’m glad that I read it. Parts of it were engaging. Parts of it were quite funny. The writing was largely very good. I finished it. But in recommending a read it can reasonably be assumed that the recommender would want others to read it. I would not want any female I knew in my real life or my virtual one to expose themselves to what Ellis writes about. It would make me uncomfortable and Dog knows I’m no prude.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

A Little help from my friends? :-)

 

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I’m in need of a little help from my online friends, please. If anyone can spare me a couple of minutes of their time and a few clicks on their Internet enabled device I will most grateful.

I’ve spent the last couple of days taking stock of my self-publishing statistics, reviewing my sales figures among other things. What they tell me is that if I don’t shift a few more books I’m going to have to find a real job…soon. (Honestly, what they charge for good champagne and caviar in this country is criminal.)

I have a plan. Part of it involves the Acer Sansom novels. To some degree this plan worked with the R&M Files. I’m want to make Dirty Business (The First Acer Sansom Novel) permanently free, just like Rope Enough (The First Romney and Marsh File) is permanently free. This, I hope, will kick start sales figures of the Acer series that have dwindled in recent months to barely a trickle. All that blood, sweat and tears going unread. (sad face).

Experience has told me that there ain’t nothing like a free download to generate some interest. The only way that Amazon will permanently list a book priced at ‘free’ is if they are notified by readers that a book Amazon is charging for is available for free somewhere else. As I understand it Amazon don’t always price match but they often do and if one wants one’s book priced at free with them the only way to go is as follows.

I’ve listed Dirty Business with Smashwords, a significant player in the e-book retailer and distribution market. With Smashwords there is an option to set the price for a book at ‘free’. Now Amazon need to be made aware, through customer feedback in some numbers, that a book they are charging for is free elsewhere.

I’m putting links at the bottom of the page that I hope some of my online friends will have the time to click: Smashword’s link for Dirty Business and links for Dirty Business on Amazon UK and US depending on where your, dear reader, account is linked to. Just under the product details on the Amazon pages are the sales rank figures and just under those is a link in blue ‘tell us about a lower price’. If you click on that a box will open into which you can paste the Smashwords’ url link for Dirty Business. There are also two boxes that need to be filled out regarding price and shipping cost of the book available cheaper elsewhere. These just need filling with 0.00 and 0.00. and then click on submit. Job done.

How do I feel about the prospect of giving away another of my books for nothing? Not as bad as you might expect. If it helps shift a few others in the series and, almost as important for me, gets Acer being read and appreciated then as far as I’m concerned that’s a sacrifice I’m happy to make. I don’t think there is much room for principles or sentimentality in self-publishing these days and I didn’t write these books to be ‘not-read’. A struggling writer’s got to do what a struggling writer’s got to do.

So, if you want me to keep writing instead of going out to work all day, please help. That would work for me. A couple of minutes of your time and maybe, just maybe I will soon be able to afford that deposit on the Range Rover. (Surely, gruel for the family table? ed.) Thanks in advance all. No need to feedback that you’ve done it, if you do. That way I can pretend to myself that every single one of my loyal and supportive readers took time out to give me a helping hand. :-)))))

Dirty Business at Amazon UK

Dirty Business at Amazon US

Dirty Business at Smashwords

Back with a… mwaaah.

 

new projects

Just as I left it…

Writer’s diary: 19th October, 2016.

That seems like false advertising to me. Not the date, the writer’s diary bit. I don’t feel much like a writer these days. That’s probably because I’ve done hardly any writing since I left my writer’s retreat (aka home) in Turkey to go back to the UK for a spot of property maintenance… just over six months ago. Six months! Hard to believe I’ve been away that long. I came back to Ankara yesterday.

I confess that in the last few weeks – when my return date was looming and after months of very little writing time –  I’ve experienced feelings of mild anxiety regarding whether I still have anything worthwhile in the writing locker. Would I be able to sit down all day making stuff up and make it entertaining enough for the discerning reader to get their £1.99’s worth? Or, Dog forbid, was I going to have to get a proper job? Something involving… children…nooooooo! For the record, I’ve never had a problem with sitting down all day, it’s the creativity aspect I’ve been getting my knickers in a twist over.

The good news is that within a short while of being back at my desk, with family members either out of the way at school or earning the money needed to keep my dream of early retirement alive, and me with a tummy full of Turkish breakfast, I feel that everything is going to be OK. Ever the optimist.

Being in the UK is great for me the person but no good for me the writer – too many distrations, too many jobs needing attention, things needing fixing, people to see, beer to drink, films to watch, books to read, … you get the picture. In the UK I have never been able to ignore everything else, lock myself away and apply myself to the art of story telling for concentrated lengths of time. Living in a foreign country, with no responsibilities, no job, horrible beer, TV that makes no sense, and no friends is great for writing.

I wrote a couple of short stories while I was back home. Nothing brilliant but I felt I was keeping my hand in, ie refreshing my memory with the qwerty keybaord . And, like anyone who considers themselves a ‘writer’, I’ve generated some ideas for more shorts and some ideas that might lend themselves to longer efforts.

My first task is to deal with the two projects I abandoned back in April. I left Booker & Cash #3 at 85000 words. I still feel bad about that. I should have completed it. Because of my awful memory, I can hardly remember anything about it now. It’ll be back to the beginning on that. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Seeing it with fresh eyes. Make that adjusted perspective, there is nothing fresh about these eyes.

The other project is a book that is finished. I’ve probably mentioned it here before. Its current title is Cold Kills. It’s a one off that’s outside my normal writing scope. I like it. The people I’ve shared it with like it. Cold Kills is not something I’m planning to self-publish. Before I came to the UK I submitted it to a trio of literary agents in line with my desire to get traditionally published. A couple of weeks ago I got my third rejection email. (Now that does make me feel like a real author.) I need to read it again, tinker with it and then I’ll be firing it off to the next three on my list. I will give it and my vanity a few more months and then reconsider my position.

So that’s me hopefully back in the writing groove. And to commemorate the ocassion I’m posting a free read. It’s a short, short story that filled a few hours during an uncharacteristic bout of insomnia. If the name and writing of Ray Bradbury means nothing to you, my advice is to give it a miss. Come to think of it, if Ray Bradbury’s science fiction short stories hold a special place in your heart like they do mine you might wish you hadn’t bothered. I’m sure I heard him turning in his grave as I was knocking this one out.

***

Violation 451

‘I’m delighted to report, and I’m sure you’ll all be pleased to hear, that updating of the Work-Easy terminals should be completed by the end of next week. I want to thank everyone for their patience and hard work over the last few months. It’s been challenging but I’m confident we’ll all enjoy the benefits and a reduction in our workloads and responsibilities when the system comes online and the duty-drones take over the monitoring tasks.’

‘Until it all breaks down and one of them runs amok with a broom,’ said Dennett. That got a little ripple of amusement.

‘Now, now,’ chided the Head. ‘We need to remain positive about the changes, the improvements I should say…’ all present then noted that he hadn’t, ‘…that The Foundation is making. We need to think like a team, all pulling in the same direction if we are to make this work. The Foundation will be paying particularly close attention.’ He paused for a moment, bending to study his notes, providing them an opportunity to reflect on what he’d said.

Wallace looked around the little group of his colleagues and caught Randi exchange a cynical raised eyebrow and barely suppressed smirk with Grayling. They were a pair of time-servers who’d been around forever, seen and heard it all before and refused to be impressed by anything new – by change.

Wallace wiped his sweaty palms on his trouser legs. His time to speak was near. He hated speaking in front of the staff. In front of his class of boys he could talk all day: theatrically and dramatically, emphasising and enthusing, instructing, directing, informing, performing. Being a Curriculum Delivery Operative was what he was born for. But speaking in front of his colleagues, all of them more worldly and experienced than he, far more respected – often far more mocking – daunted and tormented him to the limits of his wits.

With an air of finality intended to communicate to all that he sincerely hoped there would not be, the Head said, ‘Any other business?’

They began stirring, switching off their tablets, folding over the protective covers, picking bags off the floor in preparation for the rush for the nearest exit and the shuttle back to the lodgement.

Wallace felt his heart-rate quicken, his face heat and colour, and his throat dry. He moistened his lips with a quick flick of his tongue, swallowed, raised his hand and said, ‘Yes.’ He was aware of the collective body language then: the twisting in the seats, the noises in their throats, the forced exhalations of air to signal their displeasure at being kept here when the comforts, distractions and escapism of their little living units beckoned. Fourteen pairs of eyes glared in his direction and at his impertinence – the new boy at the institution daring to keep them all here with his arrogance, his idea of self-importance. He heard himself apologise by way of reaction and then regretted it bitterly and despised himself and them for it. He was a member of staff here too. He had the same rights as them. He was, on the screen, their equal.

‘Wallace?’ Even the Head was struggling to keep the surprise out of his voice. Was it surprise or something more critical – irritation, perhaps? ‘You have something that you would like to share?’

‘Not exactly like to, sir,’ said Wallace. ‘It gives me no pleasure, but I must.’ He realised talking like that sounded pompous and was likely to get their backs up further. ‘I have a serious infringement of The Foundation’s code of practice to report.’

‘Go on,’ said the Head with a wary professional interest. Wallace could see that his humourless smile was fixed and forced.

Wallace took a deep breath. ‘I caught one of the boys in the act of Violation 451 this afternoon.’

The silence was instant and loud. Not a bag rustled. Not a seat protested a fidget. Thirteen pairs of eyes transferred their gaze from the new boy to the old boy. Violation 451 was serious. It had serious implications for them as an institution. Violation 451 meant that security had been breached, bypassed, authority undermined and ignored, rules broken. Violation 451 was worrying news for all of them, but potentially career threatening for one.

The Head gave Wallace a look that the more experienced of the staff interpreted as deep and bitter disappointment, resentment even. It said you should have come to see me privately about this. It said did you have to raise this most serious violation of The Foundation’s rules in front of this bunch of gossiping back-stabbers? It said you’re going to regret your decision, you self-righteous little shit.

The noise of a baker’s-dozen of backsides settling back into their seats filled the awkward and tense moment.

The Head went on the offensive making it clear to all that the reason for the delay in getting back to their private rooms and the pleasures that awaited them, that sustained them through their days and years at the Bradbury Foundation was not of his making, although no-one appeared to be in a hurry to leave now. ‘This is indeed serious; serious implications for security and for us as an institution of learning. You should have come and seen me immediately. Why did you not? Why the delay?’

Wallace had not because he feared that had he done so the matter would not have been treated with the seriousness that it warranted. Wallace believed without the slightest reserve in the aims and the objectives of the Bradbury Foundation’s mission statement and any instance of Violation 451 needed to be met, in his opinion and the Foundation’s, with full exposure and harsh penalties. It was the only way. Having a private word with the Head would, he feared, only see the incident downgraded, brushed under the interactive flooring. Wallace believed that examples had to be made for discipline to thrive. And discipline was essential to learning.

‘If I have acted inappropriately, Headmaster, I apologise.’

‘Well, now that you have, acted that is, we must discuss it. Details, please.’ This through a tight-lipped mouth. ‘Who? Where? When? How? What?’

‘Dawkins Major. Prep. ablution room. Before afternoon recess.’

A hush and tangible nervousness gripped the gathering. Dawkins Major was from a good family, old money, influential parents. He was the third Dawkins to have been accepted into the Bradbury Foundation and he had a younger brother in The Fives.

Eyes now flitted nervously trying to both meet each others’ and avoid each others’ looks. Grave implications, indeed. Not a few of them settled unfriendly stares on Wallace. As part of the meeting, this information would now be on digital record, available for examination by the board. How they dealt with it individually and collectively would go on their own records. What they had to do was to be seen to treat the news with the gravitas that it demanded, regardless of their private feelings.

‘What were you doing in the Prep. ablution room?’ said Hitchens, Deputy Head.

A hint of embarrassment settled on Wallace’s features. ‘I was caught a bit short on my way to 7C. I nipped in to use the facilities. As I said, it wasn’t break time. In theory there shouldn’t have been anyone in there. I might have been late otherwise.’ That wouldn’t look good on the digital record either. Masters were not permitted inside the student ablutions rooms without very good reason and certainly not alone. Wallace moved on swiftly in an attempt to deflect attention from himself. ‘I was seeing to my own needs,’ he said, colouring with embarrassment at his choice of words, when I heard him in the next cubicle.

‘Heard what, exactly?’ Hitchens had taken over as interrogator and the Head seemed happy to let him.

‘Dawkins involved in the act of Violation 451.’

‘How did you understand what he was up to?’

‘I recognised the sounds. I am a man. I am not without experience.’ Wallace held Hitchen’s gaze comfortably now. Feeling threatened helped him to overcome some of his natural shyness.

‘And what did you do?’

‘I demanded that he identify himself and step out of the cubicle.’

They waited for him to continue.

‘I heard what I understood to be him trying to cover-up his activities. When he finally emerged he looked flushed and guilty. It was quite obvious that there was something big and unnatural protruding over the top of his trousers under his over-shirt. I told him to show it to me. He lifted up his clothing and there it was – a large, thick one, angry red in colour. I told him to take it out and show it to me properly, which to the boy’s credit he did without protest. I must say it is some time since I have handled such a fine specimen, but that of course is beside the point.’

‘Yes, it is,’ said Hitchens. ‘And then?’

‘And then I escorted him to Isolation. He is there now.’

There was another uncomfortable pause.

‘What is the protocol for dealing with Violation 451?’ said Harris. He was fairly new too.

‘Immediate isolation pending enquiry,’ said the Head. ‘If he is found guilty of Violation 451, expulsion and the first shuttle back to Earth.’ He didn’t sound too happy about it. He didn’t look too happy with Wallace.

Hitchens said, ‘The boys will have to be spoken to. We must determine whether Dawkins Major has been sharing his filthy habit with others, corrupting any of the younger ones.’ As the enormity of the repercussions began to dawn on him, he scowled. As Deputy Head the task to discover the extent of the corruption of individuals would be his.

‘Does anyone else know?’ said the Head.

‘Not as far as I’m aware,’ said Wallace. ‘There was no-one else in the ablutions room and we didn’t pass anyone in the corridors.’

Hitchens scratched his closely shaved scalp. ‘Where is it now?’

Wallace reached down to the bag that had sat between his feet throughout the meeting. From it he extracted the cause of all the trouble. Several stared at it as though they might at a small dirty-bomb. He placed it carefully on the low table that occupied the space between them all. No-one made any attempt to touch it, to investigate it.

‘How could he have got it past security?’ said Hitchens, airing one of the few thoughts that were filling the minds of the Masters.

‘I don’t know,’ said the Head, but we’ll have to find that out as a matter of urgency. We’ll also need to know whether this is the only specimen.’

‘I’ve never actually seen one before,’ said Harris. ‘Not in the flesh, so to speak. Wherever would he have got it from?’

‘Not our concern,’ said Hitchens. ‘Our concern is that it’s here and it shouldn’t be.’

‘What’s that say on the front?’ said Harris, tilting his head to see.

Wallace read the embossed gold-lettering of the tooled red leather binding, ‘The Holy Bible’.

***

Romney Marsh Psycho.

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Coming soon – a writer’s room with a view – not a garden shed.

I need to start this blog post by volunteering that I’m currently reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

I’m sitting in an upstairs room doing one of the things I do best in life – staring out of the window. I’m awaiting a delivery of building materials for the garden shed I’m going to be constructing over the next couple of weeks. (For tax purposes the ‘garden shed’ will hereinafter be referred to as my writer’s retreat.)

‘Why don’t you just buy one?’ said mum, with that way she has of making everything I announce I’m going to do sound dumb and pointless.’Why give yourself all that extra work and bother when you’ve got enough to be getting on with? My gutters still need clearing out, you know? And there’s all that bird crap over the conservatory roof that someone needs to get up there and clean off. And did I say the handle broke on my cistern, again?’

(Through gritted teeth.) ‘Because, mother, I’m a man with a hammer. Real men like hammering things. Anything. It’s a primitive urge. We like to bash and make a noise and construct and destruct and sometimes, just sometimes, we like to fantasise that the piece of two by four we are smashing six inch nails into is the brittle skull of an elderly relative who is sitting on the kind of inheritance that could make life a good deal more comfortable for a struggling CWAP son.’

Did I mention I’m reading American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis at the moment?

I’m getting a little anxious. I told them; I said if you don’t deliver early in the day the public car park that he’s going to have to drive his great big lorry through to get to my back passage (?) is going to be crammed with day-trippers’ vehicles. It’s nearly one o’clock and the car park is crammed with day-trippers’ vehicles. I can’t wait to tell them I told you so. Honestly, you’d be hard pressed to steer a medium-sized pram through the idiotically parked motors. What were they thinking? God knows how anyone is going to get a ten tonne lorry down there. Not my problem.

While I’m waiting, I thought I could use the time to begin a blog post. It’s been a little while. But when you’ve got nothing to say it’s often better to say nothing, as granny Tidy used to say. (Usually when I started talking.)

As followers of this blog will know, I’m on an enforced break from writing at the moment. Owing to ever-changing personal circumstances, that doesn’t look like ending anytime soon. Can’t be helped. I’m not crying about it. Lots of other things to be getting on with here and life is often about making pragmatic decisions for the greater good. Prioritising.

While I might not be writing much (I have penned a couple of short stories) I’ve been reading regularly, something that I understand is universally considered to be useful to an author. I may have mentioned that I’m currently reading and thoroughly enjoying American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis. It’s bloody and bloody good, actually. I just looked up how old he was when he wrote it – there must be something wrong with my maths because I make him 27. Sad face.

Anyway, on the bright side I think I finally know what I want to write. By that I mean the kind of book I want to write. Really want to write. My literary goal. My holy grail of CWAPmanship. I just don’t know how to write it or what to write about, yet. That makes things… difficult.

I want to write one of those books that gets banned, that gets people up on their back legs because it is considered, in some circles, to be too offensive, too disturbing to be published. The kind of book that has a cult following of supporters that include a number of respected literary critics. Aim high granny Tidy said, especially when she was talking to me. (I was a bit short as a child.) I’m thinking along the lines of Fight Club, A Clockwork Orange, American Psycho. (I haven’t actually been able to get past the first few pages of A Clockwork Orange, but I enjoyed Fight Club and, did I mention, I’m reading American Psycho.) Original is the word I think I’m looking for. Yes, that’s what I aspire to write one day – something original and good and disturbing.

In other news – two Sundays ago I ran in my first, and possibly last, competitive running race as an adult. It only took me a week to get over it physically. I’m still not fully recovered mentally after my bitter lesson in racing etiquette.

If I said, what’s the difference between ‘gun time’ and ‘chip time’ would you know what I was referring to? Neither did I when I got under starter’s orders.

I took part in the Romney Marsh 10k run. And I learned something about running races which I wished someone had told me before I took up my start position at the back of the grid. Yes, the back of the grid. I thought that because I was an absolute novice it would be wise for me to start right at the back of the nearly two hundred strong field. Right at the back. By choice. The last person in fact.

I took part in this race for two reasons. Firstly, because after being a regular runner for quite a while I was really curious to see what kind of time I could manage and how I’d compare with everyone else. Secondly, because I have an idea for a Booker & Cash that involves a running event, so my participation also comes under the heading of research. (And for tax purposes so does my entry fee. Where the hell did I put my receipt?)

Regarding the timing of my personal performance: I had no qualms about starting at the back because all runners were equipped with a chip tied around the laces of one running shoe so that when they crossed the start line the machine beeped and the runner’s ‘chip time’ began. Likewise when the runner crossed the finish line the machine beeped and the ‘chip time’ is stopped. Simple. What I didn’t know was that while the ‘chip time’ might be a personal record for a contestant the only time that matters for the organisers is the ‘gun time’. In other words, when the race starts the race clock starts ticking for everyone, regardless of whether one gets a flyer from the front or one is stuck behind all the ‘runners’ in ridiculous over-sized, over-stuffed novelty outfits, cluttering up the road, people who insist on dawdling along and waving at everyone cheering them on. To be honest, I couldn’t give a flying f**k what f**king charity you’re running for ‘Mr F**king Blobby’ just get out the f**k out of my way.

If only I’d thought to run in a Bob the Builder costume. I’d have had a bona fide excuse to carry a hammer – or two. Maybe a nail gun. I could have got through all the dithering, meandering, shuffling old people and ‘fun runners’ a lot quicker if I’d been slashing left and right with my trusty ball pein and claw hammers. (Did I mention that I’m reading American Psycho? It’s really getting to me.)

The upshot of it all was that it took me twenty-nine seconds to get from the back of the pack to the start line after the race had officially started. Let me say that again: it took almost half-a-flipping minute after the the starter had fired his gun (air horn) for me to actually start the race, by which time all the serious runners had disappeared over the horizon and I was left punching and kicking my way through riduculously unstable cartoon characters shaking empty buckets for change at confused looking specatators. Gun time/chip time. Lesson learned. It was very frustrating and really not the best way to settle my race nerves. I never really found my stride after that.

Of course, the sixty-four-thousand dollar question is, would twenty-nine seconds really have made that much difference? Seeing as I finished last anyway – three minutes eleven seconds behind Mickey and Minnie Mouse running chained together at the ankles  – probably not. I did think it was a tad rude of the organisers to have packed everything up, including the finishing line, before everyone had completed the course. After all, I had paid the full entry price. Their excuse was it was getting dark. I found that a bit lame.

Don’t Be Such A Girl

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Yes. Really. A shopping trolley in the middle of a corn field. It’s almost artistic.

Going home to Romney Marsh always prompts keen memories. None are more vivid than those I experience when I visit my mum at her home in New Romney – I was born and then lived for the first twenty odd years of my life in the house next door to where she currently lives.

When I was a boy the fields and dykes across the road from home were the playground of the children that lived thereabouts. Back then nearly every house had at least one young child living in it. Back then parents thought nothing of letting their offspring roam over the local countryside in packs to face the dangers of a country life: making unstable rafts out of bits of rotten wood lashed to empty drums with that orange twine once so popular with farmers – drums with various symbols indicating toxic contents stamped on them – to navigate the weed and reed congested waterways; to swing from hastily improvised rope-swings out over the dyke; to build tree houses and camps from anything we could lay our hands on and to clamber and climb over the old stone ruins of the church out at Hope. All unsupervised by responsible adults. Our parents wouldn’t see us for hours on end. Truly halcyon days.

On the other hand, what totally irresponsible parenting. (I wonder if I could sue my mum for everything she’s got in a European court – Post Traumatic Childhood Experiences, perhaps? [Note to self – hurry up with that one while we’re still in Europe.)] No way would I allow any of my children to wander off exploring on their own at the age I was encouraged to. Utter madness (our parents, not me). They were asking for trouble. And yet I don’t ever remember anything bad happening to any of us. And we had a lot of outdoor fun. I don’t think there’s a single kid in the road now.

I visited mum today with my five year old son. He’s been nagging me ever since he arrived here to take him back to the ‘broken church’. We went there last year. The ‘broken church’ is David’s term of reference for the ruins of the church that used to stand at the lost settlement of Hope – part of my childhood playground.

The only sign today that there was ever a settlement there is the ruins. As you can see, they are essentially just a few crumbling stacks of rock stuck in the middle of a field now. Every time I go back there there seems to be a little less standing.

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To get to Hope from ‘home’, as well as traipsing across a couple of huge fields there’s also a small bridge to cross that spans one of the dykes.

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This bridge was a central hangout of ours back in the day. As David and I were going over it today I stopped to enjoy some memories. I remembered that one year some workers had done some maintenance on the bridge. Part of their ‘making good’ involved a bit of rendering of the brickwork. Like most young children throughout history, I and a couple of my mates were attracted by the idea of scratching our initials into the wet cement as soon as the men had knocked off for the day. Unbelievably our efforts are still quite clear today. What a thrill it gave me to find this.

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For legal reasosns I’d better not name my confederates. I remember them both. I wonder what happened to them, where they are now. But look at the date – 1976, if you can’t make it out. Exactly forty years ago. I was thirteen. (I just Googled ‘key events of 1976’ – the past, as they say, is a foreign country.)

David and I carried on to Hope. It was a wonderful walk. Lovely for me to be able to do it with my son.

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While we were there I was reminded of a short story I wrote based on the ruins and my childhood. From the date on the document, 2010, it’s one of the earliest things I wrote. It certainly predates any of my novels. Why wouldn’t I include it here for my own amusement and posterity? (I do find it a bit spooky that even though I wrote it six years ago there is mention of a forty year time frame that, in ‘real time’, coincides with this year’s date and my vandalism. [I know what I mean.]) I doubt I’d have believed anyone who’d told me when I finished it that in six years time I’d have thirteen self-published novels and a collection of short stories to my name. Oh, and that I’d have given up the day job to write full-time.

Don’t Be A Girl

Forty years ago my best friend and I went walking out across Romney Marsh looking for excitement and adventure  the way boys used to.

We were going to visit the old church out at Hope – a once prosperous community that centuries ago had faded away to nothing in just a few decades. A change in the geography and trade in the area had brought Hope’s economy to its knees. Locals said it had been cursed. Still was.

The church, however, being solidly built, was still largely intact. The only remaining physical evidence of the ancient settlement. The lead and Kent-peg tiled roof had been removed many years before, illegally no doubt, leaving nature the custodian. Despite this, the exposed rafters, walls and much of the internal structure had always seemed sound enough.

The steeple, towering over the surrounding flat land, was still accessible with care and bravery and the views from the top were worth the danger and the kudos – apparently. I didn’t know because I’d never been big enough or brave enough to try.

Since the previous summer, however, I’d had a growth spurt, put on at least four inches in height and my reach had grown accordingly. I felt that I would now have the physical ability to make what had been an impossible climbing manoeuvre for me the previous year in my attempt to scale the tower. My courage was still an uncertain factor.

My heart thumped with anticipation as we finally approached the ancient building. It stood strangely isolated in the middle of a large field. A natural trickle of water surrounded it. It appeared that the recent harsh winter had taken its toll on the old building. I had a fairly good memory, still have, and looking up at the tower something didn’t seem right. I couldn’t understand what it was, nor could Colin. Not until it was too late.

Colin was a year older than me. That’s a lot at that age. He certainly wasn’t listening to the concerns of someone younger than himself. When I told him that something didn’t look right, something had changed in the tower, he just laughed and, skipping like a mountain goat over the scattered stones and clumps of nettles, he disappeared inside – swallowed up by history. Perhaps he just thought I was scared.

I was scared, scared of heights – even more scared of falling from one. I hung back, looking up. I could hear Colin calling out to me to follow him in, mocking me for my cowardice and laughing at his own remarks. His voice echoed around the old stone walls frightening a pair of pigeons into flight, their oversized wings slapping loudly together in a frenzied display of physics. A warm breeze brought to life the plants that had taken root and thrived on the top of the exposed walls. They bent their necks and dipped their heads towards the tower, as though in warning.

And then I saw it. I saw what was different, what was wrong. And I was suddenly terrified for my friend.

I called out to Colin to wait, to slow down, to stop, to come back. Something wasn’t right, I shouted. Even now I realise that I wouldn’t have made much sense. I didn’t even know if he could hear my high-pitched hysteria. To Colin I probably sounded like a dumb kid whose nerve had gone, which I was. But I had good reason to feel that way – I knew something he didn’t.

I ran into the ruined building through the same gaping hole into which Colin had vanished. I had the idea that maybe I could catch up with him, make him understand the danger. Immediately, however, I realised the foolishness of this. He was already out of sight, probably in the tower making his ascent. I remember calling to him again and getting no reply.

And then I heard him calling to me. He was in the tower. I couldn’t see him from where I was. I needed to see him. If he could see me, maybe I could communicate my fears, my discovery to him. I turned to retrace my steps out of the derelict building so that I could get his attention. In my haste I missed my footing. My leg slipped down between two huge stones and the momentum of my turn twisted my ankle making me yelp in agony. I truly thought that I had broken something.

But I couldn’t just lie there. Even though the pain was excrutiating I managed to withdraw my leg. It took me too long, stumbling across the fallen rocks, to get back outside the church walls. To my shame I was crying. Crying with frustratıon as much as the agony in every movement.

I could hear Colin shouting for me. Where was I?

I slumped down on the grass, short of breath. When I tried to shout up at the fıgure that I could now see was three-quarters of the way up the exposed tower my croaky voice barely carried to the nearest fallen headstone. There was no chance that he could hear me. I waved my arms at him but to my frustration he seemed only encouraged and waved back. He shouted down to me but the breeze, stronger up there, carried his words away.

A lull in the wind, an eerie quiet, presented my last chance. Rousing my remaining strength and passion I screamed up at him, ‘Colin. Stop. It’s not safe. Come down.’ For a moment he stopped his ascent and looked down at me. Then he looked up at what remained of the climb, but from his position he couldn’t possibly have seen what I could see, what I will always see because it is etched in my mind forever. He cupped his hands to his mouth and I caught his shouted words, ‘Don’t be such a girl. Come on. It’s easy.’

These were the last words that Colin ever spoke.

I screamed at him once more. I don’t rememeber what. It was hopeless. I watched horrified as he scrambled ever higher, oblivious to the danger ahead. He knew no fear. He was such a courageous boy. I wonder what kind of man he would have made, what kind of father.

I remember hoping that maybe I was wrong and he would be all right. I was, after all, just a child. What did I know? I watched on, mesmerised and hoping that he might yet see the danger and reconsider. My heart hadn’t stopped thumping from the moment I’d arrived at the site.

I couldn’t say how high he’d climbed when the stone gantry he was on collapsed. As a small boy everything was exaggerated compared with my perspective today, but even a conservative guess would have put Colin at nearly fifty feet up.

I watched in stunned horror as the stonework that I had realised was missing its supporting column, began to sway away from the main structure as a result of Colin’s weight and movement. I clearly remember, even from that distance, his face, contorted by the shocked realisation of what was happening beneath his feet, his clumsy unbalanced scrabbling to regain something solid, his arms desperately flailing, clutching at anything and nothing.

The top third of the tower leaned over, a great majestic stone bow signalling the end of resistance to nature and time, before it crumpled completely to fall inwards into what was once the nave. The noise was defeaning. It sent up a cloud of dust that hung fleetingly in the air above the ruin as though the soul of the place had risen up and was finally departing. And then that too sucumbed to the breeze that had returned and disappeared.

The noise brought men from a nearby factory hurrying across the field. There was nothing that they could do for Colin. He was entombed below several tonnes of Kentish stone.

As two of them carried me back to their works I heard them saying that the place had been a danger for generations of children, that it had been an accident waiting to happen and that finally perhaps someone would do something about making it safe. Such tragedies are nearly always required before someone decides that it is time to do something about preventing them.

I’ve visited the site since, even as a man with my own son. All that remains today, some forty years on, is little more than a hill of stone where the tower once was and a scattering of large boulders in the grass.  No danger to anyone. No excitement or challenge either. Sheep graze there now. I believe much of the stone was removed for renovation work elsewhere.

*

(Given today’s events, that last paragraph is just too strange.)

The final countdown.

What does this artistic composition suggest to you, dear reader?

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After a couple of months’ hard slog the renovation project is almost there. Carpets are coming Monday. (I will post a couple of photos for posterity when the carpet fitters have finished.) And it’s good timing because we all know what time-target I’ve been desperately working towards and I’ve just about made it. Yes, Euro 2016 has kicked off this weekend. So now upstairs is just about done, I’m free to watch the three games tomorrow, three games on Sunday and three games Monday. Hence, the photo montage, in case you didn’t get it. (I’ve just been reminded that the family are also arriving next week for the summer. That’s exciting too, of course. I hope they don’t want picking up if there’s a game on.)

*

I haven’t been completely ignoring my writing. A recent bout of insomnia has seen me wide awake in the small hours. I decided to use the time to do some writing. I’ve knocked off a couple of short stories. Just keeping my hand in. (Stephen King has not written anything like them. I checked.) What am I going to do with them? Write a few more, I suppose, and work towards creating a small collection. And I’ve also had a couple of new ideas for longer writing projects that I’ve liked enough to make some notes on. The well has not run dry yet.

*

I receive feedback fairly regularly here on the blog from readers who have enjoyed one or more of the reads. The feelings of great satisfaction and intense pleasure that these messages give me has not diminished one iota over the few years that I’ve been bashing away at the keyboard. I truly value the time and trouble readers take to get in touch as well as their, often, very kind words. So, special thanks to anyone who reads this and who has posted somewhere on this site some encouragment. I received the following two yesterday. They are great examples of what I’m referring to.

Dear Oliver
What can I say, I downloaded the first couple of Romney and Marsh books for my kindle a few weeks ago, but I am now through all 7 of them, the 2 Booker & Cash novels and have just started the Acer Samson #1. I have thoroughly enjoyed all but if I continue at is pace you will need to be writing much more profusely.
Once again thanks for rekindling my love of crime thrillers.
John

Hi Oliver, I have just read Joint Enterprise. Really enjoyed it, as I have the first two Booker/ Cash novels, and now the first three R/Ms.
I have read hundreds of books, all purchased through Kindle. I have to say that I have derived more pleasure from your books than just about all others.
I have been inspired to write to you, as an hour ago my wife and I were rolling on the floor laughing as I read to her directly from Joint Enterprise, where poor Romney is being anally inspected by the female doctor, when ‘a pocket of foul smelling air’ escapes. It was the most hilarious encounter I have ever read.
Thank you so much for your wonderful writing. I wish you every success. You truly deserve it. Why you’re not signed to a major publisher is simply bewildering.
Thanks again
Geoff.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

 

On originality.

I’ve mentioned here before that I want to try writing in different genres. I recently had a good idea for a story that would be quite different to my norm and outside of my usual writing genres. I liked it so much that I started writing it when I should have been working on B&C#3 or my other finished first draft of something completely different.

This week I was on the home straight of the story. It’s only 10 000 words. I thought it was a very original idea. I was really excited by my very original idea.

Towards the end of the story I needed to search online for the name of a mental disorder that the central protagonist of the story could be labelled with. I found what I was looking for. I followed a link to the font of all online knowledge: Wikipedia.

And there I found that my brilliantly original story idea has already been done by a writer called Stephen King. You may have heard of him. He is quite well known.

Naturally, I was a bit disappointed. (Disappointed? I had an apoplectic-rage episode that involved kicking things over and swearing loudly for several minutes without much repetition.)

During reflection in a calmer moment regarding this development, I remembered something I saw a long time ago. Apparently there are only seven plot lines in the world of story telling. So it is quite hard to be original. It made me feel a bit better. I wonder where SK got his idea from, and if it was a brainwave, like mine, whether he looked something up only to discover that someone else got there first.

I resisted the urge to read Mr King’s effort until I’d finished my own. I didn’t want his influence rattling around my head. Now that I have finished mine, I’m going to make myself a coffee, sit in the garden and see what he did with ‘my’ idea. Swine.